Who even am I? Knowing who you are after a lifetime of people-pleasing
If you’ve ever had a thought like, “Oh my gosh, what do I actually like? Who even AM I?” know that you’re not alone. And if you’ve ever found yourself shaming yourself for your lack of self-knowledge, yeah, you’re not alone there either.
Why People-Pleasers Lose a Sense of Self
So how do so many of us end up here - freaking out because we’re not sure if we actually like pasta or if we’re just eating it because someone somewhere implied that we should?
Most people don’t become people-pleasers because it’s fun. (Frankly, it’s not.) They do it as a survival strategy. At some point, it felt safer to hyper-focus on keeping those around you happy (or at least not blowing up) rather than staying happy yourself. After all, it’s more important to survive than thrive.
When your nervous system learns that authenticity leads to disapproval, conflict, or rejection, it prioritizes safety over self-expression.
And when all your energy is going into scanning the room to prevent disaster, there often simply isn’t energy left over to even notice your own experience.
You may have even been actively punished or shamed for having your own preferences.
Maybe a teacher or parent discouraged the “wrong” questions.
Maybe peers mocked your “weird” interests.
Maybe certain topics, identities, or curiosities were quietly (or not-so-quietly) off-limits.
When it’s perpetually not ok to be you, you stop being yourself.
You forget who you are.
Or maybe you never discover who you are to begin with.
Reflection questions:
Growing up, was it ok for me to have my own interests or preferences, even if they were different from those of my family, religion or social group?
If not, how did I learn that it wasn’t ok?
Were these rules spoken or unspoken?
What about my life now? Are there any spoken or unspoken “rules” about keeping the peace or staying agreeable?
Finding yourself now
It can feel overwhelming to try to (re)build a solid sense of self as an adult. Shame may tell you that you should have already figured this out by your age, that you’re hopelessly behind, and that there’s something deeply wrong with you.
Notice these thoughts but don’t give them the keys to drive the car.
Do not - I repeat, do not! - make “figure out who I am immediately!” the goal. We learn and develop who we are over time, through experience, and in relation to others. This is going to be a lifelong process, not a once-and-done task to check off the to-do list.
Start small, right where you are today.
Is there anything that feels solidly you right now?
Maybe something big: “I know for sure I’m gay”
Maybe something small: “I know for sure I like blueberries.”
Maybe something values-based: “I care about wildlife”
Or maybe something clear but negative: “I really dislike Tupperware parties”. (Sidenote: me, too.)
Try becoming an anthropologist of yourself. Suspend judgment and simply observe your internal reactions to various situations and experiences. Experiment with small changes that feel safe enough to try. Maybe try a different hairstyle, food, podcast or activity. Ask yourself:
How does this feel to me? (emotionally as well as physically)
Is this interesting to me?
Is how I feel about this similar or dissimilar to how I feel about that thing I know for sure about myself?
Notice what happens (or doesn’t happen) when you make a change. Is it what you expected?
The people in your life may be surprised when you begin changing. Ideally, they’ll support you growing and discovering who you are as a person. And if some don’t, know that this doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. You’re making a change, and change can be uncomfortable.
You are not behind and you are not broken. You adapted. And you can adapt again.
Even if people-pleasing has robbed you of a solid sense of self, it’s not too late. You can heal. You can experiment. You can discover who you are now.
Therapy can help you heal from past experiences that taught you it’s not ok to know or be yourself, so you can experiment and discover who you are today. Feel free to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me to see if therapy with me could help you in your journey of self-discovery.
