Is this Boundary Worth Setting?
Tl;dr: not all boundaries are worth setting and maintaining. Sure, you might benefit from additional boundaries, but maybe right now you’re at capacity or feeling good enough about where things stand. Boundaries take energy to set up and maintain, and you don’t have an infinite supply. You can quickly overwhelm yourself and burn out if you try to set and maintain every boundary you (and others) think of. For your own sanity, please don’t do that.
So how do you decide which boundaries are worth it and which aren’t? I wish I had a simple rubric (or spreadsheet!*) to help you, but shy of that, here are some questions to help you discern your answer.
#1 To what extent does the unwanted behavior violate a core value of mine?
In other words, is this (just) annoying or does it speak to a deeper issue? Sometimes this is obvious, like physical violence or identity theft as opposed to putting the toilet paper roll on backwards, but there’s a whole spectrum of gray between annoying and imminent safety concerns. Similarly, there’s a spectrum between nice-to-have “sprinkles”, preferences, and core needs.
For example:
A partner who smells bad but still wants to have sex
A friend who is habitually late or cancels frequently
A family member who dominates conversation
A boss who frequently comments on your body and food choices
All of these things could be annoying but tolerable to one person, problematic and workable to another person, and a flat-out dealbreaker to a third person.
The more something touches on a core value of yours, the more you may consider actually doing something about it rather than letting it go.
#2 How much influence do I have in this situation?
We can make requests of other people, but a boundary is more about what I do if someone else violates my request. Sometimes, there really isn’t much I can do about a situation.
Take a minute to think about if you’re trying to change something (or someone) that’s really outside of your scope of control. It’s incredibly demoralizing to try and try to make a change and see no progress. Be realistic and kind with yourself.
For example, if your whole family has a pattern of chaotic conversations (said with all the love and kindness of someone who grew up in a big, loud family), you might feel like you’re herding kittens if you try to change the whole group’s conversational patterns at once. Unless it’s worth it to you to put in all that effort, you might consider other ways to try to meaningfully connect with your family.
Maybe you can’t get your friend to be on time, but if the friendship is still important for you, and if lateness falls more into your “preferences” category, perhaps you could choose activities that you’re fine with starting on your own even though your friend is late.
#3 What is the probable cost of my doing something about this?
This can be financial costs, but can also include energy and relationship costs. Sometimes the probable backlash if I try to set or enforce a boundary far outweighs the potential benefit of addressing the issue - or even the cost of just tolerating the unwanted behavior.
For example, if I think I might be fired or otherwise professionally harmed for confronting my boss, but I really need this job, I might try to find ways to let it go and not internalize the comments, avoid 1:1 situations with the boss, and perhaps keep an eye out for other employment opportunities.
If a person has demonstrated very little willingness to listen, self-reflect, or take someone else’s perspective, I may be less likely to put emotional energy into trying to address a problem with them, especially if the problem feels less significant than the expected backlash.
So, Is It Worth It?
As I’ve said, not all unwanted behaviors are worth addressing. Choosing not to set a boundary doesn’t mean you approve of the behavior. It can simply mean that, given the circumstances, you’ve decided that addressing it costs more than you’re willing to spend.
If you do decide to experiment with setting a boundary, pick a follow-through on your end that matches the intensity of the issue and is something you yourself will realistically do.
Know that it will likely take work to set a new expectation, reiterate it repeatedly, and follow through on your end repeatedly. Having to restate and repeat your boundary doesn’t inherently mean that you or they are doing something wrong. You’re trying to swap out old habits for new ones.
And if you decide it’s not worth the effort, you get to make that choice, too.
If you’d like help figuring out if and how to set a boundary, therapy could help. Feel free to set up a free 15-minute consultation to see if we’d be a good fit.
*for my fellow spreadsheet nerds, I’m thinking a formula like:
[Extent that it bothers me]+[My influence in this situation]-2[Probable cost of setting & enforcing boundary]=Total Score
where the higher the Total Score, the more you might consider doing something, whereas the lower the Total Score (especially if it’s negative) the more you might consider tolerating or managing the situation.
