What I’m Reading: The Art and Science of Connection
“Adult friendships are hard!”
I’ve heard - and felt - this many times over the past few years, so I was very excited to read Kasley Killam’s book “The Art and Science of Connection: Why Social Health is the Missing Key to Living Longer, Healthier, and Happier”. Killam is a social scientist and I found her writing very approachable, interesting and applicable, and a nice blend of story and science. Here are my key takeaways:
#1 - Social health is important, not just for the sake of feeling good relationally or emotionally, but for our physical health as well. Improvements in social health have been shown to lead to improvements in physical health.
#2 - Other people probably like you more than you realize. Researchers in one study found that people often underestimate how much others like them.
I’ve definitely found myself thinking some version of “Gosh, that person I just met probably thinks I’m such an awkward loser,” which only makes me more self-conscious and awkward.
A science-informed approach would be to assume that people either like or feel neutral about you unless there’s clear evidence to the contrary.
#3 - Social health requires effort and action.
Yes, there are many factors outside of your direct control that impact how hard it will be for you to connect with others. For example, walkable communities with natural community gathering spaces remove some of the friction to social health. If that isn’t your reality, it will probably be harder for you to cultivate connection.
You may also want others to initiate first. I’ve talked to many, many people who wish their friends would reach out to them, and when I ask what happens when they themselves reach out, they acknowledge they’re too afraid of rejection to reach out first. We need to acknowledge the fear and do the hard, important thing anyway.
I’m not suggesting that you need to always be the initiator and never expect or hope for your friends to reciprocate. (I’ve been there, done that, and can confirm it sucks.) But for the sake of your own health, you will need to put some effort in.
#4 - Who you connect with matters.
If you find yourself feeling drained or exhausted after a specific person or type of gathering, instead of giving up on socializing entirely, consider changing the who and how of your socializing.
If you’re feeling the effects of loneliness and disconnection as an adult, first of all, know that you’re not alone. Many, many adults also feel this way and would likely love to connect with you.
If you’d like additional support sorting out your thoughts and feelings about adult friendship, feel free to schedule a brief consultation call to see if therapy with me could be a good fit for what you need.
